Hey, it’s Candice here.
There’s a subtle trap many of us fall into with our inner dialogue — especially when anxiety is involved.
It usually goes something like this:
A negative thought shows up — maybe “This is too hard” or “I’m not handling this well.” We don’t like how it feels, so we quickly try to shut it down with something overly positive: “Everything is fine.” “It’s all good.” “I’ve got this — no big deal.”
For a moment it might feel better. But then the original negative thought creeps back in… and now we turn on ourselves: “Why can’t I just stay positive?” “What’s wrong with me that I can’t believe my own encouraging words?” “I’m failing at this too.”
And the loop begins again.
I see this pattern often— the swing from harsh negativity to forced positivity, only to land back in self-criticism. It’s exhausting. And it keeps so many thoughtful, high-functioning people feeling stuck.
Why This Loop Happens
As a therapist with over twenty years in mental health and the last ten years focused specifically on anxiety and trauma, I’ve watched this cycle play out countless times. It’s not that we’re doing something wrong — it’s that we’re trying to solve discomfort with an overcorrection.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) teaches us that our thoughts matter. But forcing ourselves to believe something we don’t actually feel rarely works. It creates a kind of inner dishonesty that eventually backfires.
This is where dialectical thinking (a core part of Dialectical Behavior Therapy) can be so helpful. It invites us to hold two truths at the same time instead of trying to erase one with the other.
A Gentler, More Believable Way
The shift that often creates the most relief isn’t moving from negative to relentlessly positive. It’s finding words you can actually believe — words that validate what’s true while still leaving room for steadiness and hope.
Instead of:
- “Everything is fine” (when it isn’t), or
- “This is awful and I can’t handle it,”
Try something more balanced and honest, like:
- “This situation sucks… and I can handle it.”
- “I’m struggling right now… and I’m still showing up.”
- “This feels really hard… and I’ve gotten through hard things before.”
These statements don’t deny the difficulty. They don’t demand toxic positivity. They simply make space for both the truth of the struggle and your capacity to move through it.
When we validate our own experience first — when we stop arguing with the negative thought and instead meet it with honesty and kindness — the self-criticism loses its fuel. The loop begins to quiet.
The Hopeful Truth
You don’t have to become someone who never has a hard thought. You don’t have to master perfect positivity (spoiler, it doesn’t exist).
You only have to find an inner voice that feels authentic to you — one that can acknowledge the hard part without abandoning you in it.
That small shift from forced positivity to believable self-talk is often where real freedom begins. It’s not about ignoring difficulty. It’s about learning to speak to yourself in a way that feels supportive, honest, and sustainable.
This is the kind of inner dialogue that actually builds steadiness over time.
You deserve words that meet you where you are — not ones that demand you pretend to be somewhere else.
And the beautiful part? Once you start practicing this kinder, more truthful way of talking to yourself, those old loops lose their power. You begin to trust that you can face whatever comes — not because everything is perfect, but because you’re learning to stand beside yourself through all of it. That is real progress.
References
Beck, J. S. (2011). Cognitive behavior therapy: Basics and beyond (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Van Dijk, S. (2012). DBT Made Simple. New Harbinger Publications.
Wood, J. V., Perunovic, W. Q., & Lee, J. W. (2009). Positive self-statements: Power for some, peril for others. Psychological Science, 20(7), 860–866.
